"Do you hear something at the front door?" Yes, I hear DEATH coming for you, elderly one! SUPER GRIP LOCK will keep your grandparents alive forever, guaranteed! Without SUPER GRIP LOCK on every door, window, pet, light bulb, knife, pill bottle, gun, gun cabinet, toilet seat, and television set, your grandparents ARE AS PRACTICALLY DEAD. There is nothing worse than packing up the kids into the minivan, loading up food and presents and good tidings into the back, and driving all the way across town to see the family but YOU CAN'T because THEY'RE DEAD because they didn't have SUPER GRIP LOCK and now grandma's been stabbed thirty times and grandpa's been thrown off the balcony out back and got impaled on a garden gnome and now Little Suzy is screaming and Timmy's crying and he won't play baseball anymore and your wife won't talk to you because her parents are dead and all this because they didn't have SUPER GRIP LOCK! SUPER GRIP LOCK: it will save your marriage, it will save your parents-in-law, it will KEEP OLD PEOPLE ALIVE FOREVER. Don't let armed thugs beat and savage your grandparents' supple, elderly flesh! Protect them with SUPER GRIP LOCK! SUPER GRIP LOCK prevents home intrusions from :giant wasps dressed as postal carriers! Space aliens pretending to be friendly but they're really not because they're going to kill you and dress up in your skin! Robbers who don't even have a gimmick, they just want to break in and beat people up and stuff! Sharks! Bees! Mexicans! Those ...
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